Monday, April 09, 2007

50+ Tips on How to End a Date Quickly (from the mouths of babes)

Ever have one of those dates where your date just wouldn’t shut up? You were sending tons of “not interested” signals only to have him/her engage you in a flirtatious game of footsie? Well do I have an opportunity for you! For the low, bargain-basement price of $500, and in less than an hour, I would like to offer you a fabulous opportunity to learn a guaranteed fifty or more tips on how to end a date quickly without offending your undesired date. Hard to believe that could learn so much in an hour? It is true. For $500 you will join our team of experts for dinner. They will demonstrate various ways to instantly disgust, confuse, or just plain frighten your guests. Here’s a sample:

Do you already know the date is going downhill even before the dinner order has been placed? No problem. Date-ender expert, M (2 years old) has this tip: when the bread basket is placed, take piece after piece of bread and eat out just the center, leaving a perfectly preserved ring of crust (for added touch, place crust ring back in the basket). Be sure to show teeth as you use only your mouth to eat out the doughy center (use caution not to tastefully pick out the center, but to really use your teeth to grab it out). Date-ender expert, K (5 years old) also recommends then placing the crust ring around your drinking glass. If the bread is in a loaf or rolls, K recommends you simply don’t use your hands in taking bites from it. In fact, in order to swiftly end a date, K reminds students that really any food item that is traditionally eaten with a spoon or fork, could also be eaten either with just your mouth, or with fingers.

Maybe your date was endeared by your carefree eating style. Never fear, our date-ender experts serve up a wide range of date turn-offs to send running even the most desperate of your date mistakes. Once the entrée is served, K recommends you look at the plate, cross your arms, wrinkle your nose and state, “I don’t like it.” If your date seems unruffled, proceed to throw the food across the table in an angry pout.

Another tip—always, always, always demand ketchup. Doesn’t matter if it is a trendy, expensive seafood restaurant and you ordered a mouth-watering lobster. Ask for ketchup and lather that baby up. This is not a time to appreciate the meal. Your focus—getting out of it and avoiding the days, weeks, months of trying to rid yourself of this date mistake.


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